Why is it so hard to give without expecting anything in return?

Okay, here’s the expanded question:
Why is it so hard to give without expecting anything in return? I understand the ideal is selfless generosity, but it feels almost ingrained in human nature to anticipate some kind of reward – whether it’s gratitude, reciprocation, a feeling of self-worth, or even avoiding guilt. Are there evolutionary or psychological explanations for this inherent expectation? How do societal norms and cultural conditioning contribute to this difficulty? And are there specific techniques or mindsets one can consciously adopt to genuinely give without any strings attached, breaking free from this seemingly hardwired expectation of return?

Answer

Humans are complex social beings, and the act of giving is rarely a purely altruistic endeavor. Several psychological, social, and even evolutionary factors contribute to the difficulty in giving without expecting anything in return:

Psychological Factors:

• Ego and Self-Esteem: Giving often boosts our self-esteem and provides a sense of purpose or moral superiority. The act can be intertwined with our ego, making it challenging to separate the good deed from the positive feelings we derive from it. When we give, we often unconsciously associate it with being a "good person," and the expectation of reciprocation or gratitude reinforces this positive self-image.

• Desire for Validation and Approval: Humans crave social connection and approval. Giving can be a way to gain acceptance, recognition, or appreciation from others. The expectation, even subconscious, is that our generosity will be noticed and valued, leading to increased social standing or strengthened relationships.

• Cognitive Dissonance: If we exert effort or resources to give something, our minds often seek justification for that action. Expecting something in return helps to resolve the potential cognitive dissonance arising from the perceived imbalance in the exchange. This expectation validates the initial effort and makes us feel less like we are losing out.

• Attachment and Emotional Investment: The act of giving can create an emotional connection to the recipient or the cause we are supporting. This attachment can lead to expectations regarding how the recipient will respond or what impact our contribution will have.

Social Factors:

• Reciprocity Norm: Societal norms strongly encourage reciprocity. We are taught to return favors, gifts, and kindnesses. This expectation of reciprocal behavior is deeply ingrained in our social fabric, making it difficult to break free from the ingrained pattern of expecting something in return.

• Social Exchange Theory: This sociological perspective posits that social interactions are based on a cost-benefit analysis. We weigh the potential rewards (e.g., recognition, gratitude, reciprocal favors) against the costs (e.g., time, money, effort) of giving. The expectation of a return is often part of this unconscious calculation.

• Power Dynamics: Giving can sometimes be used to establish or maintain power dynamics within relationships or social groups. Expecting something in return, such as deference or influence, can be a way to reinforce these power structures.

• Cultural Norms: Different cultures have varying expectations around giving and receiving. Some cultures emphasize communal sharing and collective responsibility, while others are more individualistic and focused on personal gain. These cultural norms shape our attitudes towards generosity and the expectation of reciprocation.

Evolutionary Factors:

• Kin Selection and Reciprocal Altruism: Evolutionary biology suggests that altruism can be explained by the concepts of kin selection (helping relatives to ensure the survival of shared genes) and reciprocal altruism (helping non-relatives with the expectation of future reciprocation). These evolutionary drivers suggest that altruism is not necessarily selfless but rather a strategic behavior that ultimately benefits the individual or their genes.

• Group Selection: A related concept is group selection, where groups with more altruistic members are more likely to survive and thrive. The expectation of reciprocation, even within a larger group, could contribute to the overall fitness of the group and its members.

Practical Considerations:

• Ensuring Continued Support: In some cases, expecting a return can be a pragmatic way to ensure the sustainability of the act of giving. For example, expecting beneficiaries of a charitable program to contribute to its upkeep can ensure its long-term viability.

• Preventing Exploitation: In certain situations, expecting some form of return can serve as a safeguard against being exploited or taken advantage of. This can be particularly relevant in situations where there is a significant power imbalance.

In conclusion, the difficulty in giving without expecting anything in return stems from a complex interplay of psychological needs, social conditioning, evolutionary pressures, and practical considerations. Breaking free from these ingrained patterns requires a conscious effort to understand the underlying motivations behind our actions and to cultivate genuine empathy and selfless generosity. It necessitates focusing on the intrinsic satisfaction derived from giving itself rather than the external rewards it might bring.

Pray This Prayer

Heavenly Father, Source of all generosity,

Why is it so hard to give without expecting anything in return? We come before you today, acknowledging the selfishness that clings to our hearts. We often give with strings attached, hoping for gratitude, praise, or even a return favor. We barter with our kindness, measuring our generosity against the potential reward.

Forgive us, Lord, for this transactional giving that falls short of your true love. Help us to see the inherent worth in every act of kindness, the inherent joy in simply being a vessel of your grace.

Open our eyes to the needs around us, not as opportunities for self-promotion, but as chances to reflect your compassion. Teach us to give freely, anonymously, and without condition, mirroring the boundless love you offer us.

Grant us the strength to overcome the ego that craves recognition, and to embrace the humility of giving with a pure and open heart. Remind us that the true reward lies not in what we receive, but in the blessing we bring to others.

Help us to cultivate a spirit of selfless generosity, so that our giving may be a true reflection of your love, a testament to your grace, and a seed planted in the fertile ground of compassion.

Amen.