Why do I get defensive when corrected, even when I know the correction is probably right? It’s not like I’m always right, and I value accuracy. But sometimes, even a gentle correction makes me bristle and want to argue, even though a part of me knows the other person is just trying to help. Is there a psychological reason for this? Does it have to do with ego, insecurity, past experiences with criticism, or something else entirely? And are there any strategies I can use to train myself to react with curiosity and openness instead of defensiveness when someone corrects me?
Answer
Defensiveness when corrected is a common human reaction rooted in a complex interplay of psychological and emotional factors. Here’s a breakdown of some contributing elements:
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Threat to Self-Esteem: Correction, especially if delivered poorly, can feel like an attack on your competence, intelligence, or overall self-worth. It can trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame, leading to a defensive posture to protect your ego. The core belief might be, "If I’m wrong, I’m not good enough."
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Fear of Judgment: Being corrected implies that someone else has noticed a flaw or mistake. This can trigger anxiety about being judged negatively by others. The fear of social disapproval or being perceived as incompetent can lead to defensiveness as a way to preempt further criticism or maintain a positive image.
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Perfectionism: Individuals with perfectionistic tendencies often struggle with accepting errors. They may feel an intense pressure to be flawless and therefore react defensively to any indication that they have fallen short of their own impossibly high standards.
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Past Experiences: Negative experiences with criticism in the past can shape your current reactions. If you were frequently criticized harshly or unfairly as a child, or in previous relationships or workplaces, you might have developed a heightened sensitivity to correction and a tendency to become defensive as a protective mechanism.
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Lack of Trust: If you don’t trust the person offering the correction, you’re more likely to dismiss their feedback and become defensive. This could be due to a history of conflict with that person, a perception that they are not qualified to offer advice, or a general distrust of their motives.
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Control and Autonomy: Being corrected can feel like a loss of control over a situation or your own actions. This can be particularly true if you value independence and autonomy. Defensiveness might arise as a way to reassert control and resist being told what to do.
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Ambiguity in Communication: The way the correction is delivered significantly impacts how it’s received. Vague, accusatory, or overly critical feedback is more likely to trigger defensiveness than specific, constructive, and empathetic feedback. Tone, body language, and word choice all play a crucial role.
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Emotional Regulation Difficulties: Some individuals struggle to regulate their emotions effectively. When faced with correction, they may experience a surge of negative emotions like anger, frustration, or anxiety, which they find difficult to manage. This can manifest as defensiveness, as a way to deflect or avoid these uncomfortable feelings.
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Cognitive Biases: Confirmation bias, the tendency to seek out and interpret information that confirms pre-existing beliefs, can contribute to defensiveness. When corrected, you might unconsciously dismiss the feedback because it contradicts your self-perception or your understanding of the situation.
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Identity and Self-Concept: Corrections that challenge deeply held beliefs or values can feel like an attack on your identity. Defensiveness, in this case, becomes a way to protect your sense of self and maintain a consistent worldview.
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Stress and Fatigue: When you’re stressed, tired, or feeling overwhelmed, you’re more likely to react defensively to even minor criticisms. Your emotional resources are depleted, making it harder to regulate your emotions and respond rationally.
- Power Dynamics: The perceived power dynamic between you and the person offering the correction can influence your reaction. If you feel that someone is trying to exert their dominance or authority over you, you may become defensive as a way to resist their influence.
Pray This Prayer
Dear God,
I come before you today with a question that weighs heavily on my heart. Why do I get defensive when corrected? I find myself bristling, arguing back, or shutting down when someone points out a flaw or offers constructive criticism. It’s a reaction I often regret, and I know it hinders my growth and damages my relationships.
Lord, help me understand the root of this defensiveness. Is it pride? Fear of failure? A deep-seated insecurity that whispers lies about my worth? Show me the places within myself that need healing and the lies I’ve unconsciously believed.
Grant me the humility to truly listen to feedback, even when it’s hard to hear. Help me to see criticism as an opportunity for growth, rather than a personal attack. Give me the strength to let go of my ego and embrace the learning process.
Replace my defensiveness with a spirit of openness, understanding, and a willingness to learn. Help me to remember that I am not perfect, and that seeking improvement is a noble pursuit.
Lord, I pray for wisdom to discern when correction is offered in love and when it might be fueled by other motives. Give me discernment to filter the noise and glean the valuable lessons.
Finally, I ask for your grace and patience with myself as I work through this challenge. Help me to be kinder to myself when I stumble, and to continue striving towards becoming the best version of myself that you have created me to be.
Thank you for your love and guidance.
Amen.
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