I’m feeling insecure because I’ve been single for a while now, and I’m wondering if my standards are too high. I have a specific list of qualities I’m looking for in a partner – things like shared values (e.g., honesty, kindness, ambition), certain lifestyle preferences (e.g., active, enjoys travel, financially responsible), some desired personality traits (e.g., good sense of humor, emotionally intelligent, supportive), and even some preferences around physical appearance (I know, shallow, but it’s there). I’m starting to worry that I’m being unrealistic and that my “must-have” list is actually hindering my chances of finding someone. So, am I being too picky if I have a detailed list of must-haves in a partner, especially considering I’m looking for a long-term, committed relationship and not just a casual fling? How do I balance having standards with being open to possibilities and avoiding unnecessary self-sabotage?
Answer
Having a list of “must-haves” in a partner doesn’t automatically make you too picky. It depends on the nature of those must-haves, their number, and your overall attitude.
Factors to Consider:
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Essential Values vs. Superficial Preferences: Distinguish between core values and superficial preferences. Core values are fundamental beliefs and principles that guide your life, such as honesty, kindness, family orientation, or religious beliefs. Superficial preferences might include specific physical traits, income levels, or career paths. Having must-haves related to core values is generally reasonable, while a long list of superficial preferences could indicate unrealistic expectations.
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Dealbreakers: Must-haves often function as dealbreakers. These are non-negotiable aspects that, if absent, would make a relationship unsustainable or deeply unsatisfying. Dealbreakers can be healthy boundaries that protect your well-being and happiness. Examples include a partner who doesn’t want children when you do, or someone who is dishonest when you value integrity.
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Number and Specificity: A short list of truly essential qualities is more realistic than a long, highly specific list. For example, “must be kind and respectful” is more reasonable than “must be 6’2″, earn over $150,000, and have a specific hobby.” The more specific your requirements, the smaller the pool of potential partners becomes, and the higher the risk of missing out on someone great who doesn’t perfectly fit your pre-conceived image.
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Flexibility and Open-Mindedness: Are you willing to be flexible and open-minded about certain traits? Can you recognize positive qualities even if they don’t perfectly align with your list? Rigidity and an unwillingness to compromise can be a sign of excessive pickiness.
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Reciprocity: Are you bringing comparable qualities to the table? It’s important to assess whether your must-haves are realistic in light of what you have to offer in a relationship. If you have extremely high expectations but aren’t actively working on self-improvement or offering comparable qualities, it could be perceived as unreasonable.
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Impact on Dating Success: Consider your dating history. If you consistently struggle to find compatible partners or frequently end relationships because of perceived flaws, it might be worth re-evaluating your must-haves. Are your standards hindering your ability to form meaningful connections?
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Personal Growth: Sometimes, must-haves can be rooted in past experiences or insecurities. It’s important to examine whether your list is based on genuine needs or unresolved issues. Therapy or self-reflection can help identify and address any underlying patterns.
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Evolving Needs: Realize that your needs and priorities may change over time. A list of must-haves that was relevant in your 20s might not be as important in your 30s or 40s. Be open to revising your list as you grow and mature.
In summary: Having a list of must-haves isn’t inherently a problem. The key is to ensure that those must-haves are grounded in core values, reflect realistic expectations, and allow for flexibility and open-mindedness. Regularly reviewing and adjusting your list can help you find a partner who is truly compatible while avoiding unnecessary pickiness.
Pray This Prayer
Dear Lord,
I come to you today with a question that weighs on my heart. Am I being too picky, Lord? I have this list, this collection of must-haves when it comes to a partner. I know I shouldn’t settle for less than what I need in a relationship, but I fear that my standards might be unrealistic, that I’m holding onto a dream that’s too specific.
Help me discern, Lord, between genuine needs and superficial wants. Show me where I might be unnecessarily rigid, clinging to expectations that are preventing me from seeing the beauty and potential in others. Guide me to understand the difference between non-negotiable values and flexible preferences.
If my list is hindering me from finding love and companionship, soften my heart and open my eyes to the possibilities around me. Give me the wisdom to recognize the true essence of a good partner, the qualities that truly matter in building a loving and lasting relationship.
Help me to be open to surprise, to unexpected connections, and to the possibility that my perfect partner might not fit the exact mold I’ve created. Remind me that true love is often found in the imperfections, the quirks, and the unexpected beauty of another soul.
Grant me the grace to be patient, the courage to be vulnerable, and the faith to trust that You will lead me to the right person, at the right time, in the right way.
Thank you for listening, Lord. I place my hopes and fears in your loving hands.
Amen.