What are some specific phrases, responses, or types of statements that I should absolutely avoid saying to someone who is currently struggling with a difficult situation, whether it’s related to mental health, grief, job loss, relationship problems, or any other significant personal challenge? I’m looking for concrete examples, and the reasons why those statements might be harmful or unhelpful. I’m particularly interested in responses that are well-intentioned but ultimately invalidate the person’s experience or shut down further communication.
Answer
When someone is struggling, certain phrases, even if well-intentioned, can be invalidating, dismissive, or minimize their experience. Here are some things to avoid saying:
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"It could be worse." This statement minimizes the person’s current pain by comparing it to a potentially worse scenario. It doesn’t acknowledge the validity of their present struggle.
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"Just think positive." This oversimplifies the situation and implies that the person’s struggles are due to a lack of positive thinking. It ignores the complex emotions and circumstances they may be facing. Sometimes it is not that simple to just "think positive".
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"I know how you feel." While intended to show empathy, this statement can come across as presumptuous, especially if you haven’t experienced the exact same situation. Every person’s experience is unique, and assuming you understand can invalidate their individual pain.
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"You’ll get over it." This dismisses the person’s current feelings and implies that their pain has a fixed expiration date. It minimizes the time they may need to heal and process their emotions.
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"Everything happens for a reason." While this may be a comforting belief for some, it can be hurtful to someone actively struggling. It can suggest that their pain is part of some grand plan, which can feel invalidating and insensitive, especially when the "reason" is unclear or unfathomable.
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"Snap out of it."/ "Get over it." These are incredibly dismissive and minimize the person’s struggles. They imply that the person’s pain is a choice and that they can simply choose to stop feeling it.
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"You’re overreacting." This directly invalidates the person’s emotions and experience. It suggests that their feelings are not proportionate to the situation, which can be incredibly hurtful and dismissive.
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"At least…" statements (e.g., "At least you have a job," "At least you’re healthy"). These statements try to find a silver lining but often minimize the person’s current struggles by focusing on something positive they still have. It doesn’t acknowledge the validity of their pain related to the issue they’re currently facing.
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Giving unsolicited advice (unless specifically asked for). Sometimes, people need to vent and be heard, not given solutions. Offering advice when it’s not asked for can make the person feel like their feelings are not being validated or that you think you know better than them.
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Changing the subject or talking about your own problems. When someone is opening up, it’s important to give them your full attention. Changing the subject or immediately relating it to your own experiences can make them feel unheard and unimportant.
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Comparing their situation to someone else’s. This can minimize their struggles and make them feel like their pain is insignificant compared to others. Each person’s experience is unique, and comparing them is rarely helpful.
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Telling them to be strong. While intended to be encouraging, this can put pressure on the person to suppress their emotions and not show vulnerability. It’s okay to not be strong all the time.
- Platitudes that lack sincerity. Empty phrases like "Time heals all wounds" or "What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger" can sound insincere and dismissive if not delivered with genuine empathy and understanding. They can feel like empty words that don’t acknowledge the person’s specific pain.
Instead of these phrases, focus on active listening, validating their feelings, and offering support. Saying things like "That sounds really difficult," "I’m here for you," or "How can I support you?" are much more helpful and empathetic responses.
Pray This Prayer
Okay, here’s a prayer based on the idea of avoiding unhelpful phrases when someone is struggling:
A Prayer for Empathetic Listening
Compassionate God, Source of all comfort and understanding,
I come before you, humbled by the struggles of those around me. I see their pain, hear their cries, and feel the weight of their burdens. I long to offer solace and support, but I know that my words can sometimes fall short, even wound unintentionally.
Please, guide my tongue and open my heart. Grant me the wisdom to avoid empty platitudes that minimize their suffering. Help me resist the urge to say:
- "It could be worse," as if comparing pain diminishes it.
- "I know how you feel," unless I truly do, and can share that experience with humility and understanding.
- "Just be positive," for it disregards the validity of their current emotions.
- "Everything happens for a reason," a statement that can feel dismissive and insensitive.
- "You’ll get over it," for it rushes the healing process and invalidates their present feelings.
Instead, Lord, fill me with the spirit of active listening. Help me to offer a safe space for vulnerability, a listening ear without judgment, and a presence that says, "I am here with you, and I care." Teach me to validate their emotions, acknowledge their pain, and offer practical support where I can.
May my words be seasoned with grace, my actions guided by compassion, and my presence a reflection of Your unwavering love. Help me to be a true friend, a supportive family member, a caring neighbor – someone who brings light and hope into the darkness of their struggle.
Thank you for the opportunity to be a vessel of your compassion.
Amen.